Marriage is a precious God ordained institution. The marriage bond mirrors the bond between Jesus and the church. We use the phrase ‘a marriage made in heaven’. The marriage institution does come from heaven. In each individual marriage, however, God gives the couple a “Do It Yourself Kit.” We are to work out marriages on earth. This “kit” consists of the teachings of the Bible about marriage ¹. Follow these teachings and your marriage will flourish. Here are some rear view mirror musings on the subject. They come from thirty three years of walking the walk.

Rom 12:18 (KJV)
18 If it be possible, as much as lieth in you, live peaceably with all men.

Matt 19:5–6 (KJV)
5 And said, For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh? 6 Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.

ILLUSTRATION: The Three Rings of Suffering
One person said there are 3 rings in marriage.

1. The engagement ring
2. The wedding ring
3. And suffering!

1 Thess 5:23 (KJV)
23 And the very God of peace sanctify you wholly; and I pray God your whole spirit and soul and body be preserved blameless unto the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ.

Knowing Your Spouse

• Often times, people get married before they know each other and divorced when they do.
• When you date a person, your first job is to know them spiritually. Then you know them after their soul.
• When you’re dating, trying to know your partner physically is a slippery slope to trouble.
• One of the best scriptures about marriage is found in 2 Corinthians.

2 Corinthians 6:14 (KJV)
14 Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness?

• Unequally yoked is an agricultural term.
• Marriage is more than finding the right person. It is becoming the right person.
• When you get married the work is not over.
• Saying I do, does not mean you are done.
• Your ongoing job is to know your spouses soul.

ILLUSTRATION: Honey I Love You
A lady was upset with her husband. Finally the husband inquired into his wife’s displeasure. “Why are you so upset honey?” She bristled, “You never tell me you love me anymore.” The perplexed husband said, “Sweetie, I told you the day I married you, I loved you. If I change my mind, I’ll let you know.”

• I am sure you know by now such a bird will never fly.
• John Gray wrote a book, ‘Men Are From Mars Women Are From Venus’ ². In it, he correctly states that men and women are fundamentally different.

How Are Men and Women Fundamentally Different?

• Of course, physically.
• Men and women are different in every cell of their bodies ³.

Men and Women Are Emotionally Different

Eph. 5:31–33 (KJV)
31 For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh. 32 This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church. 33 Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband.

• The Apostle Paul, an unmarried man, understood marital dynamics.
• Men want respect according to the Apostle and women want love.
• The line, ‘the secret to a man’s heart is through his stomach’ is incorrect.
• The real secret is respect.
• When a man does not have respect in his home, he seeks that respect in other places.
• It is the nature of things.
• If your husband is respect deprived, as a saved god-fearing man, he will seek it in his work environment.
• Seeking one anothers interests is a key.

Philippians 2:4 (ESV)
4 Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.

• Putting your spouses needs ahead of yours elevates the emotional bond between you.
• Give your spouse what they need. If it’s love, love. If it’s respect, respect. Do it and you are on your way.

Men and Women Are Different In Their Sexual Needs

• A great cause of friction among marrieds is sex.
• Finding common ground, seeing it the same way is challenging.
• Why?
• Men give intimacy to get sex.
• Women give sex to get intimacy.

Men and Women Are Different In Their Communications

ILLUSTRATION: Personal Example My wife Sharon and I have this type of thing going on all the time. I am, by nature, an inside person. I talk to myself all the time. Anyone willing to confess here? I have something going on inside me all the time. I am preaching to myself. I am meditating on things and situations. I am working things out inside of me all the time. Some of it is spiritual, some of it isn’t. There is a constant happening inside. Sharon is a sanguine, an outside person. She has a lot inside of her too, but she is always letting it out. She talks to everybody. At times because of our make-up, we will have conversations that go something like this. Sharon will say, “Honey I mentioned that to you; I said that to you; we talked about that; don’t you remember?” And I will say, “No, you didn’t say that to me; I don’t remember you saying that to me; you never said that to me; and there is nothing wrong with my memory.” What’s going on here? We are both telling the exact truth. She did say it and I never heard it. Why? She was trying to talk to me when I had inside stuff going on and I never heard her. I did not hear her because of the noise within.

Men and Women Are Different In How They See the Home

• Men and women see the home differently.
• Some women want their home a certain way.
• Some men could care less.
• Men don’t care about expensive furniture, or well equipped garages. Tranquility and peace are what they prize.

Prov. 21:9 (NLT)
9 It is better to live alone in the corner of an attic than with a contentious (quarrelling) wife in a lovely home.

• Do you think the Lord knows what He is doing?
• Since He does, their is a clue in your differences. He did not make everyone the same.
• Different is good.
• Different works.
• But it takes work to make it work.
• What you are as a person is not what your mate is supposed to be as a person.
• Quit trying to change them.
• Anyone married for any length of time knows, trying to force conformity is like trying to make all Christians pay their tithes.
• It just doesn’t work.

Men and Women Are Different in Their Souls

• By soul, I mean personality.
• Florence Littenauer wrote a book years ago that refashioned our perception of each other. The book is called Personality Plus. ⁴.
• Our marriage was in its early stages, first five years or so. She kept wondering, “Who is this alien I married. How did I get myself into this mess?”
• The book helped her to know her husband better. She found my personality among the four personality types. When she introduced the book to me, I likewise found hers. It brought relief to our home and allowed us to settle in and adapt to one other.
• We both realized the person we were married to was not so ‘alien’.
• Here are the 4 different personality types
  • Sanguine
  • Choleric
  • Phelgmatic
  • Melancholic
• It may help your marriage to do a study along this line.

Call to Action:

You can build a stable marriage that will withstand the storms of life. Perfection does not exist. You have to approach marriage with a learners’ permit to work out your differences. It is a continuous effort. Marriage is no fairy tale land of enchantment. But you can create an oasis of love in the middle of it. Grinding it out. Sticking it out. But, you must be willing to accept your mate may not be everything that you want them to be. You are not the perfect man and she is not the perfect women. The best advice is to change what you can alter. Explain what you understand. Teach what you learned. Revise what you can be improve. Resolve what you can settle. Negotiate what you can compromise. And, overlook everything else.

Question: What books have you read that helped your marriage? Please share your comments in the comments section below.