Who Is This Alien I Married? Romans 12:18
Every couple eventually reaches the moment when they wonder, "Who is this person I married?" Differences that once seemed charming can become sources of misunderstanding and frustration. Yet God never intended those differences to divide a marriage. In this episode of the Light on Life Podcast, discover biblical principles for understanding your spouse, appreciating your God-given differences, and building a marriage marked by love, respect, patience, and lifelong growth.
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Podcast Notes:
Rom 12:18 (KJV)18 If it be possible, as much as lieth in you, live peaceably with all men.
Matt 19:5–6 (KJV)5 And said, For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh? 6 Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.
Knowing Your Spouse
Often times, people get married before they know each other and divorced when they do.
When you date a person, your first job is to know them spiritually. Then you know them after their soul.
When you're dating, trying to know your partner physically is a slippery slope to trouble.
One of the best scriptures about marriage is found in 2 Corinthians.
2 Corinthians 6:14 (KJV)14 Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness?
Unequally yoked is an agricultural term.
Marriage is more than finding the right person. It is becoming the right person.
When you get married the work is not over.
Saying I do, does not mean you are done.
Your ongoing job is to know your spouses soul.
I am sure you know by now such a bird will never fly.
John Gray wrote a book, ‘Men Are From Mars Women Are From Venus’ [1. Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus: The Classic Guide to Understanding the Opposite Sex, John Gray]. In it, he correctly states that men and women are fundamentally different.
[Tweet "When you get married the work is not over. Saying I do, does not mean you are done."]
How Are Men and Women Fundamentally Different?
Of course, physically.
Men and women are different in every cell of their bodies [2. Love for a Lifetime: Building a Marriage That Will Go the Distance. James Dodson, Page 42].
Men and Women Are Emotionally Different
Eph. 5:31–33 (KJV)31 For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh. 32 This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church. 33 Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband.
The Apostle Paul, an unmarried man, understood marital dynamics.
Men want respect according to the Apostle and women want love.
The line, 'the secret to a man’s heart is through his stomach' is incorrect.
The real secret is respect.
When a man does not have respect in his home, he seeks that respect in other places.
It is the nature of things.
If your husband is respect deprived, as a saved god-fearing man, he will seek it in his work environment.
Seeking one anothers interests is a key.
Philippians 2:4 (ESV)4 Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.
Putting your spouses needs ahead of yours elevates the emotional bond between you.
Give your spouse what they need. If it's love, love. If it's respect, respect. Do it and you are on your way.
Men and Women Are Different In Their Sexual Needs
A great cause of friction among marrieds is sex.
Finding common ground, seeing it the same way is challenging.
Why?
Men give intimacy to get sex.
Women give sex to get intimacy.
Men and Women Are Different In How They See the Home
Men and women see the home differently.
Some women want their home a certain way.
Some men could care less.
Men don't care about expensive furniture, or well equipped garages. Tranquility and peace are what they prize.
Prov. 21:9 (NLT)9 It is better to live alone in the corner of an attic than with a contentious (quarrelling) wife in a lovely home.
Do you think the Lord knows what He is doing?
Since He does, their is a clue in your differences. He did not make everyone the same.
Different is good.
Different works.
But it takes work to make it work.
What you are as a person is not what your mate is supposed to be as a person.
Quit trying to change them.
Anyone married for any length of time knows, trying to force conformity is like trying to make all Christians pay their tithes.
It just doesn’t work.
Men and Women Are Different in Their Souls
By soul, I mean personality.
Florence Littenauer wrote a book years ago that refashioned our perception of each other. The book is called Personality Plus. [3. Personality Plus: How to Understand Others by Understanding Yourself].
Our marriage was in its early stages, first five years or so. She kept wondering, “Who is this alien I married. How did I get myself into this mess?”
The book helped her to know her husband better. She found my personality among the four personality types. When she introduced the book to me, I likewise found hers. It brought relief to our home and allowed us to settle in and adapt to one other.
We both realized the person we were married to was not so 'alien'.
Here are the 4 different personality types
Sanguine
Choleric
Phelgmatic
Melancholic
It may help your marriage to do a study along this line.
Call to Action:
You can build a stable marriage that will withstand the storms of life. Perfection does not exist. You have to approach marriage with a learners' permit to work out your differences. It is a continuous effort. Marriage is no fairy tale land of enchantment. But you can create an oasis of love in the middle of it. Grinding it out. Sticking it out. But, you must be willing to accept your mate may not be everything that you want them to be. You are not the perfect man and she is not the perfect women. The best advice is to change what you can alter. Explain what you understand. Teach what you learned. Revise what you can be improve. Resolve what you can settle. Negotiate what you can compromise. And, overlook everything else.